AND SO I BEGIN
According to my Sobriety Calculator, I have not had a drink in 1 day, 15 hours, and 38 minutes. This is quite the accomplishment, in light of 2 facts:
1. The love of my life was entertaining female company last night that wasn't me, and—
2. I have not had solid food in well over 48 hours.
The reason he is spending time with her is because I drink. To excess. Every night. And he doesn't. Ever. Drink. Because he can't and he won't. He's been sober for 12 years and dating me for the past 4.
I've been reading some of the blogs about recovery and struggle and life without alcohol. Maybe, I thought, I could do it too. I recognized myself on those pages. The blackouts, the tantrums, the cruelty, the remorse, the shame and mortification. I deeply appreciate those women who have written with such honesty and transparency about their struggles. You have given me the courage to expose my own to public scrutiny.
As long as I had never been fired from a job for alcohol-related issues, had a DUI, or wrecked a car I figured I could continue to drink. But when I look down this path all I see is waste. And I really, really don't want to wreck my car or get a DUI or lose my job.
In early 2004 I quit drinking for almost 3 months. This man I love so deeply was cutting me loose. His reasons were crystal and I couldn't defend my drinking. But it was a daily struggle and ultimately I failed. I thought about alcohol all the godamned time and counted the hours and days I had "Gone Without". I resented it. I couldn't fully commit to the idea of living life without drinking. He put more distance between us, for his own well-being. I respect that.
I failed because I could not honestly see myself not drinking and I felt he was being unfair. After all, if I didn't drink when we were together what difference did it make? Truth is, I couldn't go for longer than 2 days before the cravings kicked in. And having been there himself, he knew. He always knew.
Alcohol has been my constant companion for most of my life. If I keep it up it'll be my only companion. Where do I go from here?
1. The love of my life was entertaining female company last night that wasn't me, and—
2. I have not had solid food in well over 48 hours.
The reason he is spending time with her is because I drink. To excess. Every night. And he doesn't. Ever. Drink. Because he can't and he won't. He's been sober for 12 years and dating me for the past 4.
I've been reading some of the blogs about recovery and struggle and life without alcohol. Maybe, I thought, I could do it too. I recognized myself on those pages. The blackouts, the tantrums, the cruelty, the remorse, the shame and mortification. I deeply appreciate those women who have written with such honesty and transparency about their struggles. You have given me the courage to expose my own to public scrutiny.
As long as I had never been fired from a job for alcohol-related issues, had a DUI, or wrecked a car I figured I could continue to drink. But when I look down this path all I see is waste. And I really, really don't want to wreck my car or get a DUI or lose my job.
In early 2004 I quit drinking for almost 3 months. This man I love so deeply was cutting me loose. His reasons were crystal and I couldn't defend my drinking. But it was a daily struggle and ultimately I failed. I thought about alcohol all the godamned time and counted the hours and days I had "Gone Without". I resented it. I couldn't fully commit to the idea of living life without drinking. He put more distance between us, for his own well-being. I respect that.
I failed because I could not honestly see myself not drinking and I felt he was being unfair. After all, if I didn't drink when we were together what difference did it make? Truth is, I couldn't go for longer than 2 days before the cravings kicked in. And having been there himself, he knew. He always knew.
Alcohol has been my constant companion for most of my life. If I keep it up it'll be my only companion. Where do I go from here?
posted by Lee at 12:26 PM
1 Comments:
Come on, baby, you can do it!
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