"HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM"
JANUARY, 1992. Several recurrent stressors in my life led me to think that perhaps alcohol was the underlying cause. If not THE cause, at the very least a major contributor. So I quit. Cold Turkey. Decided I wasn't going to drink and That Was That. It was easy, really, at that time. I had no overwhelming cravings, and I went out to bars and danced and drank ice water. The bartenders were not amused and ignored me.
At the end of that year, however, the stressors were still there. So I said, "Fuck it — THAT little experiment didn't change anything!" and never considered quitting again until 12 years later.
MARCH, 2004. A man who loved me started to cut me loose because of my (by this time) alcoholic drinking. I thought I could pull a repeat performance of my 1992 Act and Just Stop Drinking. Was I ever wrong.
I didn't expect to fail. I didn't expect it to be difficult. And deep down, I wasn't visualizing with any real conviction the rest of my life sans alcohol. I didn't have a support network. I wasn't aware that alcohol had embedded itself more deeply during the preceeding 12 years to the point that I was far more psychologically dependent upon it than I had been in 1992.
Three months later, when the cravings and temptation overcame me I caved. I failed and I didn't want to acknowledge just how far along my dependency had progressed. My rapid descent into my old drinking patterns swallowed me up as if my brief absence from drinking somehow needed vengence.
JANUARY, 2006. My drinking has now progressed into an every-night ordeal. A 6-pack of tallboys, or if that particular configuration isn't available, a 12-pack. I'm just not picky that way. Somewhere in between 2004 and last month I have mysteriously upgraded my tolerance from drinking every 2 days to drinking every night.
I honestly don't know how I make into work on time, every day. I'm positive my BAC each morning is above the legal limit. I wear perfume and chew Altoids to mask the alcohol stench emanating from my body. My eyes are sensitive, my head fuzzy and I am starving because I began drinking on an empty stomach. I am unsure of myself at work. I maintain a physical distance from my co-workers so they won't smell the alcohol on my breath. I am self-conscious and emotionally fragile.
"HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM"
Because I have preferred to sit at home and drink, my social network is non-existent. I can see this pitfall. And I'm ready when the craving hits. But this time I'm going to ask for help:
Is There Anybody Out There?
At the end of that year, however, the stressors were still there. So I said, "Fuck it — THAT little experiment didn't change anything!" and never considered quitting again until 12 years later.
MARCH, 2004. A man who loved me started to cut me loose because of my (by this time) alcoholic drinking. I thought I could pull a repeat performance of my 1992 Act and Just Stop Drinking. Was I ever wrong.
I didn't expect to fail. I didn't expect it to be difficult. And deep down, I wasn't visualizing with any real conviction the rest of my life sans alcohol. I didn't have a support network. I wasn't aware that alcohol had embedded itself more deeply during the preceeding 12 years to the point that I was far more psychologically dependent upon it than I had been in 1992.
Three months later, when the cravings and temptation overcame me I caved. I failed and I didn't want to acknowledge just how far along my dependency had progressed. My rapid descent into my old drinking patterns swallowed me up as if my brief absence from drinking somehow needed vengence.
JANUARY, 2006. My drinking has now progressed into an every-night ordeal. A 6-pack of tallboys, or if that particular configuration isn't available, a 12-pack. I'm just not picky that way. Somewhere in between 2004 and last month I have mysteriously upgraded my tolerance from drinking every 2 days to drinking every night.
I honestly don't know how I make into work on time, every day. I'm positive my BAC each morning is above the legal limit. I wear perfume and chew Altoids to mask the alcohol stench emanating from my body. My eyes are sensitive, my head fuzzy and I am starving because I began drinking on an empty stomach. I am unsure of myself at work. I maintain a physical distance from my co-workers so they won't smell the alcohol on my breath. I am self-conscious and emotionally fragile.
"HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM"
Because I have preferred to sit at home and drink, my social network is non-existent. I can see this pitfall. And I'm ready when the craving hits. But this time I'm going to ask for help:
Is There Anybody Out There?
posted by Lee at 3:45 PM
4 Comments:
- Why is an apparently intelligent lady like you drinking yourself into a future of misery ?
hey.... good luck. addiction is a difficult thing to overcome. but, if you REALLY want it - you can have it. do you have an outside network yet? like, AA, or any of those sobriety groups?
Hey, and thanks so much for the encouragement. I'm working on a support network as we speak. You're welcome to be part of its beginning if you like.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Lee
The Dz of alcoholism does not care how intellegent, bright, beautiful, etc you are. As a intellegent person, no one would want to loose all they have to give vicotory to alcohol. The beast is much greater than that. One cannot THINK his/her way out of alcoholism.
You are on the right track, continue to get honest, self will means crap in beating this! Will power does is no amo for this war. It is up to you to discover that you no longer have to live like this. Good Luck.
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