Wednesday, June 28

TIES THAT BIND

There was a storm
the other night

Had to talk to God
try to set things right

Church door was locked
Lord! I stood in the rain!

Waiting for an answer
—but it never came

I believe in Livin'
give it all I got

I'm strong enough
except when I'm not

A little piece of daylight
time to move on—

It's just a reminder
I can't go back home.

* * *

The Heroines
"Can't Go Back Home"
Tony Joe White & Shelby Lynne

BLIND FAITH

Somebody holds the key


I'm near the end, and I just ain't got the time

Oh, and I'm wasted, and I can't find my way home


But I can't find my way home

But I can't find my way home

But I can't find my way home

But I can't find my way home

Still, I can't find my way home

And, I ain't done nothing wrong

But, I can't find my way home

* * *

Blind Faith
"Can't Find My Way Back Home"
Blind Faith

Sunday, June 25

ANGELS AND DEMONS

14 years ago I quit drinking because something was wrong. I hoped that by eliminating alcohol from my life, that which was wrong would fix itself. It didn't. I resumed drinking.

I'm extraordinarily fortunate to be employed (now) in an environment that encourages, promotes and rewards healthy mental attitudes. Yes, it's true. Rare indeed in this world, but it's true. I didn't believe it at first. 17 months of observation, disbelieve, searching for hypocrisy and hidden agendas and finding neither, and now, finally, I'm convinced that what I see is a living embodiment of a work culture that weeds out toxic, incompetent people and richly rewards those who sincerely bring a positive attitude to work, contribute new ideas that improve processes, and set an example of positive human interaction.

I have been at least willing to suspend my disbelief long enough to see if it were true, instead of automatically framing it within a paradigm of negativity wrought from years of dysfunctional and toxic relationships originating at home and manifesting later in the workplace.

I've experienced a slow dawning of realization that what's "wrong" is me. Not "wrong" in a moral sense, but wrong as in resistant. Defensive. Fearful. Aggressive. Angry.

It matters a great deal that my attitudes were born from adults who shattered my trust, violated my body, impregnated my mind with their own sickness ("You are a BAD PERSON!" "NO! I'M NOT!"), in effect warping my emotions and filling me with fear and hate and rage before I turned 12 years old. It matters because those early experiences robbed me of a lifetime of healthy choices. Yes, I do blame them. The point of origin for my unhealthy overreaction when faced with conflict, my over-developed perception of threat and my inability to effectively and rationally verbalize my point of view when faced with conflict, belongs solely to them.

About a year into my employment with this organization, and in the earliest days of my sobriety, I experienced a terrifying re-playing of a scenario at work that was, in detail, an exact replica (albeit a softer version) of action/reaction that ended in a meltdown I had in 2001. A detached part of me observed the playing-out of my behaviour and subsequent reprimands from my managers that I previously experienced in the most extreme of toxic work environments. Because I deeply believed in the sincerity and health of my current organization I knew, without a doubt, that I had created this situation and I would continue to re-create it unless something fundamental changed inside of me. Other people truly do "mirror" back to us what we are.

"Like attracts like."
"Birds of a feather, flock together."
"That which is like unto itself is drawn."
"You reap what you sow."

I've got work to do.

Fuckers.

THE ACCIDENT THAT WASN'T

I put the laptop on the floor beside my chair and a few minutes later I'm stepping over the laptop reaching behind the desktop computer to plug in a firewire cable so I can transfer data and I get the cable plugged in and take a step back and my foot ...

... touches down directly on the top side of the laptop and I feel it and ... shift balance, keep moving that leg back until that foot has found solid ground.

Now. Had I been drunk, that laptop screen would have been smashed. I would have stepped on it. I've seen the results, and they are expensive.