14 years ago I quit drinking because something was wrong. I hoped that by eliminating alcohol from my life, that which was wrong would fix itself. It didn't. I resumed drinking.
I'm extraordinarily fortunate to be employed (now) in an environment that encourages, promotes and rewards healthy mental attitudes. Yes, it's true. Rare indeed in this world, but it's true. I didn't believe it at first. 17 months of observation, disbelieve, searching for hypocrisy and hidden agendas and finding neither, and now, finally, I'm convinced that what I see is a living embodiment of a work culture that weeds out toxic, incompetent people and richly rewards those who sincerely bring a positive attitude to work, contribute new ideas that improve processes, and set an example of positive human interaction.
I have been at least willing to suspend my disbelief long enough to see if it were true, instead of automatically framing it within a paradigm of negativity wrought from years of dysfunctional and toxic relationships originating at home and manifesting later in the workplace.
I've experienced a slow dawning of realization that what's "wrong" is me. Not "wrong" in a moral sense, but wrong as in resistant. Defensive. Fearful. Aggressive. Angry.
It matters a great deal that my attitudes were born from adults who shattered my trust, violated my body, impregnated my mind with their own sickness ("You are a BAD PERSON!" "NO! I'M NOT!"), in effect warping my emotions and filling me with fear and hate and rage before I turned 12 years old. It matters because those early experiences robbed me of a lifetime of healthy choices. Yes, I do blame them. The point of origin for my unhealthy overreaction when faced with conflict, my over-developed perception of threat and my inability to effectively and rationally verbalize my point of view when faced with conflict, belongs solely to them.
About a year into my employment with this organization, and in the earliest days of my sobriety, I experienced a terrifying re-playing of a scenario at work that was, in detail, an exact replica (albeit a softer version) of action/reaction that ended in a meltdown I had in 2001. A detached part of me observed the playing-out of my behaviour and subsequent reprimands from my managers that I previously experienced in the most extreme of toxic work environments. Because I deeply believed in the sincerity and health of my current organization I knew, without a doubt, that I had created this situation and I would continue to re-create it unless something fundamental changed inside of me. Other people truly do "mirror" back to us what we are.
"Like attracts like."
"Birds of a feather, flock together."
"That which is like unto itself is drawn."
"You reap what you sow."
I've got work to do.
Fuckers.
