"HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

JANUARY, 1992. Several recurrent stressors in my life led me to think that perhaps alcohol was the underlying cause. If not THE cause, at the very least a major contributor. So I quit. Cold Turkey. Decided I wasn't going to drink and That Was That. It was easy, really, at that time. I had no overwhelming cravings, and I went out to bars and danced and drank ice water. The bartenders were not amused and ignored me.

At the end of that year, however, the stressors were still there. So I said, "Fuck it — THAT little experiment didn't change anything!" and never considered quitting again until 12 years later.

MARCH, 2004. A man who loved me started to cut me loose because of my (by this time) alcoholic drinking. I thought I could pull a repeat performance of my 1992 Act and Just Stop Drinking. Was I ever wrong.

I didn't expect to fail. I didn't expect it to be difficult. And deep down, I wasn't visualizing with any real conviction the rest of my life sans alcohol. I didn't have a support network. I wasn't aware that alcohol had embedded itself more deeply during the preceeding 12 years to the point that I was far more psychologically dependent upon it than I had been in 1992.

Three months later, when the cravings and temptation overcame me I caved. I failed and I didn't want to acknowledge just how far along my dependency had progressed. My rapid descent into my old drinking patterns swallowed me up as if my brief absence from drinking somehow needed vengence.

JANUARY, 2006. My drinking has now progressed into an every-night ordeal. A 6-pack of tallboys, or if that particular configuration isn't available, a 12-pack. I'm just not picky that way. Somewhere in between 2004 and last month I have mysteriously upgraded my tolerance from drinking every 2 days to drinking every night.

I honestly don't know how I make into work on time, every day. I'm positive my BAC each morning is above the legal limit. I wear perfume and chew Altoids to mask the alcohol stench emanating from my body. My eyes are sensitive, my head fuzzy and I am starving because I began drinking on an empty stomach. I am unsure of myself at work. I maintain a physical distance from my co-workers so they won't smell the alcohol on my breath. I am self-conscious and emotionally fragile.

"HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

Because I have preferred to sit at home and drink, my social network is non-existent. I can see this pitfall. And I'm ready when the craving hits. But this time I'm going to ask for help:

Is There Anybody Out There?

AND SO I BEGIN

According to my Sobriety Calculator, I have not had a drink in 1 day, 15 hours, and 38 minutes. This is quite the accomplishment, in light of 2 facts:

1. The love of my life was entertaining female company last night that wasn't me, and—

2. I have not had solid food in well over 48 hours.

The reason he is spending time with her is because I drink. To excess. Every night. And he doesn't. Ever. Drink. Because he can't and he won't. He's been sober for 12 years and dating me for the past 4.

I've been reading some of the blogs about recovery and struggle and life without alcohol. Maybe, I thought, I could do it too. I recognized myself on those pages. The blackouts, the tantrums, the cruelty, the remorse, the shame and mortification. I deeply appreciate those women who have written with such honesty and transparency about their struggles. You have given me the courage to expose my own to public scrutiny.

As long as I had never been fired from a job for alcohol-related issues, had a DUI, or wrecked a car I figured I could continue to drink. But when I look down this path all I see is waste. And I really, really don't want to wreck my car or get a DUI or lose my job.

In early 2004 I quit drinking for almost 3 months. This man I love so deeply was cutting me loose. His reasons were crystal and I couldn't defend my drinking. But it was a daily struggle and ultimately I failed. I thought about alcohol all the godamned time and counted the hours and days I had "Gone Without". I resented it. I couldn't fully commit to the idea of living life without drinking. He put more distance between us, for his own well-being. I respect that.

I failed because I could not honestly see myself not drinking and I felt he was being unfair. After all, if I didn't drink when we were together what difference did it make? Truth is, I couldn't go for longer than 2 days before the cravings kicked in. And having been there himself, he knew. He always knew.

Alcohol has been my constant companion for most of my life. If I keep it up it'll be my only companion. Where do I go from here?